If only...

I never understand my own feeling towards everything anymore. Since when I've become so numb?
I actually was feeling it with me all this time and it was quite disturbing since I couldn't obtain it at all. The heart I want to get, why is it so far? I keep trying and I didn't stay still but why I feel it's totally unreachable?
I got this complicated feelings to be honest. I want to be with someone but in the other hand I want to be alone. I want someone to take care of me, telling me to stop when I start recklessly overworking, smile for me, fighting for me... but in the other hand, I hate if they become too close with me. I keep telling myself that I am fine with this, I don't need that. Something like that isn't fit me at all but some other times I feel lonely. I want to be loved. I hate to love by my own self.

If only, having someone love me unconditionally is easy. If only, I don't need to deal with this kind of reality. Maybe, maybe I would feel better about this world.
If only, it's easy to make someone you like, like you back. It was easy before, but no for now. It seems that happiness is drifting away from me and I don't deserve to feel happy like others.

I dedicate myself a lot to others when I was younger
I was thinking that everyone is meant to be happy.
Then how about me?
What will make me happy?

I am tired. Seriously tired. God, if this is your answer, then I will stop begging you to make him love me back. It's enough.