Dear God... do you miss me?

 Dear God, do you miss me? 

As I write this, I remember all the things that upset me these days and every single thing that doubt me to live my own life. I am feeling insecure toward my life, toward everything. I am no longer put my trust on someone, not even a single person. I think when I decide to choose my own solitude, it's the moment of I am no longer putting my trust and believe in someone. Those who I call friend? They are only friends... I miss my best friend indeed, but to nudge her talking about my insecurity like this would definitely make her laugh. "I always here for you, idiot!" that's what she always says. I need to overcome this feeling alone because for no reason, suddenly the urge to walk away from everyone is very huge. 

I know, God... it's the moment when you miss me a lot. You tell me to come back to You that's why you took away my trust from everyone else around me. I was thinking of something very bizarre these days anyways. What if, those people who I call "close friends" actually just pretending to be my close friend? What if they start thinking of me nuisance and annoying then they start walking away from me? I feel so insecure and afraid facing the same situation again and again. As if I am not allowed to have someone beside me. God, is this what you want? 

God, I actually miss talking to You. Life is super heavy these days. I even don't know what to do to handle my anxiety and panic attack again each time I saw someone hate me for no reason. I know I have you on my side, but in the other hand I feel like you've been punishing me for all the sins I have made in my life. I feel like you take all the people I care away from me so I could come back to you. God, this is quite heavy. Having a super unstable self-esteem made me become a jerk. I walk away from people that I thought going to hurt me again like last time. They don't know about it at all, I am just suddenly walking away from them. As usual, I do the silent quitting again like years before. I really want to know whether I am doing a good thing or no. People who got close to me might think that every time they are with me, I always draw a very annoying drama. I hate that. I want to avoid drama as much as everyone else does but why...? 

Is this because you miss me, God? 

I pray for having a partner in life because I am getting older and so do my parents. Can you imagine if I will live alone for the rest of my life? Imagine how my parents would feel seeing their daughter live a miserable life without someone to lean in. Not even a friend. Is this your punishment? 
I was dreaming of having a partner in life, so I don't need to worry about anything...but alas, I can only dream. Life is once again not on my side.