I am just tired...

Sometimes, I thought that if I could hold all the angers by myself, everything would be okay, there wouldn't be any problem. But, turns out I was wrong. All the raging emotion have been bottling up and waiting to be blown in the nearest future. My hatred towards everything couldn't be hidden anymore. I was wondering maybe I get punished so everything feels so wrong this year. I was also wondering, why God created me anyways? 

I am sure I always do my best in everything. I never do something half-heart. I thought I would never feel something like this again. I thought I could let everything go and forgive my parents for things they've done in the past. Turns out, I am wrong. Even today, I still hate my mother. Her kindness doesn't make me happy at all, I feel afraid instead. She used to reject me so when she is kind, I doubt it. She used to abuse me mentally, verbally and physically so when she offers me help, I couldn't trust her at all. turns out, my feeling is always right. Although many people said that parents will always love their children, I don't feel it at all. Since I have the ability to remember things, the sadness from rejection is bigger than the happiness that they gave to me. 

I thought, in my thirties, I could happily live my life without even thinking about the validation from my parents because it's no longer important, turns out, I still feel sad about that. 

why should be me who feel this way? is being born my biggest sin? if it is, what should I do to erase my sin? Should I disappear? 

I hate this feeling. 

I hate my parents. 

I hate them but I cannot stand losing them. 

IDK.