Tadaima~
Happy New Year 2015!!
It's been long time XD Like, the distance between last post and today's post was like one year full? or maybe a year more?
Well, I have been busy with stuffs. Working, fixing my self, move forward, make self happier. But, somehow, I have been holding things too much for these past two years, holding the things I should share more, things which made me happy, sad, angry, and the other kind of feelings. Not that I forgot how to express my feeling, it's about I am afraid no one will listen. I feel pathetic haha~
And here I am, come back to you after this quite long time. After all, you are the place where I can be whining over everything without worrying many things. The place where I can really say anything I want without feeling afraid. Although some people might read this afterwards haha after all, I can only write, not speak. So, that's okay. For these 6 or maybe 7 years, you are still the place where I rant about everything, no? XD please, bear with me XD
I actually don't know where should I start-- talking about my feeling, or situation around me that very much changed. People said that changing is only natural. People learned how to be strong by themselves, knowing where they should go, what things make them happy, where the place they belong to. People said changing is only natural, like changing your socks to a new one as the time you grow up because it's no longer fit your foot anymore. And people said I am changed as the time goes by. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. People said pain made us strong, but for me, pain made me changed. I never, cannot be, strong for any reason I created. But pretending to be strong? ahahaha well, it's been my ability from long long ago.
Do I say people change? Yes. As much as I do. Do you think people feel insecure when one another changed? Yes, As much as I do. They felt insecure when I changed, as much as I feel it too. I don't want to believe that mostly people walk away to find another shelter, the place they feel it is home they belong to, the place where they can be their own self. But just when I try so hard to refuse that belief, the more reality push me to realized. Ahh... yeah, people start finding the other shelter. why, then?
Ahh... and I start to realize, it's all my fault. For not being honest to my feelings. You know what more pathetic? I keep rejecting people's pure feeling of caring to me just because I am afraid someday they will immediately leave when I am no longer become the shelter... I become so much quiet, arrogant, selfish. That's just because I want to see how much people think of me. How important I am for them. I want to see, will they stay eventhough I am being such jerk, or searching for another shelter because of tired of my selfish act?
Ahh..... the answer is unbelievable. I don't want to believe.
Hm? you want to know the answer? -laugh- No. I won't tell.
You know, I always wish for people happiness more than anything in this world. I've ever had such wish like "Please, give them happiness." or something simple like, "I want them to be more open to the other people so they can feel the love from the world like I did." or maybe the things like, "I wish someday there is something which can heal their pain. If it's not from me, then it's from someone else they can rely on."
and when they really did what I wish, I feel..... insecure. -laugh- I feel happy, but I feel insecure. why, then? As I saw them happy, I am happy too but tears keep flowing. why, then?
-laugh- No, it's not that I am afraid I ended up alone though. After all, I am only the empty shelter. It's been crowded with them. Just simple, when the bus take them somewhere, they would definitely find another empty shelter, no?
Yeah. It's been my fault. I don't know what to do either. So, it can't be help, right? Yeah. I am not sad, don't worry! :D................but tears still keep flowing, I wonder why -laugh-
I feel grateful with people's feeling of caring. I feel grateful as well when people think of me important. I feel very happy. But happy feeling will never be apart from afraid feeling. If oneday, situation takes everyone from me, one by one, or maybe in an instance, I am sure I need to be okay. They don't want me to feel sad after all. So, people need to be more selfish, don't think of me and keep going! -laugh- don't be afraid I would be alone when they go because eventhough in alone, I know everyone is caring to me. Hm? People want me to think them as my shelter as well? Ahh... such mutual, right?
Of course, they are my shelter, that would be obvious, why do you ask? LOL
But as people know how I am, this person--me-- is kinda not honest with herself so they need to be patient facing this person -laugh pathetically-
But well, I am late. I am sorry. Please be happy with whoever you all with.
No, I didn't leave. I just watch. If you think of me as your shelter, you will definitely come to me, right? :D
Kaaaay, last day in this week of teaching, I will do my best!
PS: I fall in love-- but failed before blooming. wwww please don't laugh at me!
It's been long time XD Like, the distance between last post and today's post was like one year full? or maybe a year more?
Well, I have been busy with stuffs. Working, fixing my self, move forward, make self happier. But, somehow, I have been holding things too much for these past two years, holding the things I should share more, things which made me happy, sad, angry, and the other kind of feelings. Not that I forgot how to express my feeling, it's about I am afraid no one will listen. I feel pathetic haha~
And here I am, come back to you after this quite long time. After all, you are the place where I can be whining over everything without worrying many things. The place where I can really say anything I want without feeling afraid. Although some people might read this afterwards haha after all, I can only write, not speak. So, that's okay. For these 6 or maybe 7 years, you are still the place where I rant about everything, no? XD please, bear with me XD
I actually don't know where should I start-- talking about my feeling, or situation around me that very much changed. People said that changing is only natural. People learned how to be strong by themselves, knowing where they should go, what things make them happy, where the place they belong to. People said changing is only natural, like changing your socks to a new one as the time you grow up because it's no longer fit your foot anymore. And people said I am changed as the time goes by. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. People said pain made us strong, but for me, pain made me changed. I never, cannot be, strong for any reason I created. But pretending to be strong? ahahaha well, it's been my ability from long long ago.
Do I say people change? Yes. As much as I do. Do you think people feel insecure when one another changed? Yes, As much as I do. They felt insecure when I changed, as much as I feel it too. I don't want to believe that mostly people walk away to find another shelter, the place they feel it is home they belong to, the place where they can be their own self. But just when I try so hard to refuse that belief, the more reality push me to realized. Ahh... yeah, people start finding the other shelter. why, then?
Ahh... and I start to realize, it's all my fault. For not being honest to my feelings. You know what more pathetic? I keep rejecting people's pure feeling of caring to me just because I am afraid someday they will immediately leave when I am no longer become the shelter... I become so much quiet, arrogant, selfish. That's just because I want to see how much people think of me. How important I am for them. I want to see, will they stay eventhough I am being such jerk, or searching for another shelter because of tired of my selfish act?
Ahh..... the answer is unbelievable. I don't want to believe.
Hm? you want to know the answer? -laugh- No. I won't tell.
You know, I always wish for people happiness more than anything in this world. I've ever had such wish like "Please, give them happiness." or something simple like, "I want them to be more open to the other people so they can feel the love from the world like I did." or maybe the things like, "I wish someday there is something which can heal their pain. If it's not from me, then it's from someone else they can rely on."
and when they really did what I wish, I feel..... insecure. -laugh- I feel happy, but I feel insecure. why, then? As I saw them happy, I am happy too but tears keep flowing. why, then?
-laugh- No, it's not that I am afraid I ended up alone though. After all, I am only the empty shelter. It's been crowded with them. Just simple, when the bus take them somewhere, they would definitely find another empty shelter, no?
Yeah. It's been my fault. I don't know what to do either. So, it can't be help, right? Yeah. I am not sad, don't worry! :D................but tears still keep flowing, I wonder why -laugh-
I feel grateful with people's feeling of caring. I feel grateful as well when people think of me important. I feel very happy. But happy feeling will never be apart from afraid feeling. If oneday, situation takes everyone from me, one by one, or maybe in an instance, I am sure I need to be okay. They don't want me to feel sad after all. So, people need to be more selfish, don't think of me and keep going! -laugh- don't be afraid I would be alone when they go because eventhough in alone, I know everyone is caring to me. Hm? People want me to think them as my shelter as well? Ahh... such mutual, right?
Of course, they are my shelter, that would be obvious, why do you ask? LOL
But as people know how I am, this person--me-- is kinda not honest with herself so they need to be patient facing this person -laugh pathetically-
But well, I am late. I am sorry. Please be happy with whoever you all with.
No, I didn't leave. I just watch. If you think of me as your shelter, you will definitely come to me, right? :D
Kaaaay, last day in this week of teaching, I will do my best!
PS: I fall in love-- but failed before blooming. wwww please don't laugh at me!