Should I go with the flow?

  I am trying to find peace in my misery these days because I don't know what to do anymore with the pain which remain here. I am totally in a mess. I don't know how far I've become a pile of mess like this but since I was left behind by many things, my life seems to be a big mess up. I am trying not to be in denial and accepting everything right now but sometimes it hurts so much that I cannot stop my tears. The last farewell gave a super big damage on my life and I think I have no courage to fix my life anymore. My memories are super messy. I thought I was okay already because life seems pretty normal these days. 

I woke up like usual and did everything perfectly. Sometimes it is really hard to do my works due to over thinking and some memories came to me like a flash but I am managed to do it well. I was wondering why  I am still here though  I think I have no more place in this world anymore. Sometimes when the breakdown came to me, I was unable to do anything. I couldn't stop my tears and my chest hurt like hell. I wish I could stop loving him and all the memories he left behind. But damn, each day, I feel like I am living in a misery. man, it feels so devastating. I didn't realize that depression was this bad before I experienced it myself. 

Should I go with the flow? 

I keep on asking this to myself again and again and  I find no answer on it. Maybe God turns his back from me and starts hating me for being this me. I really don't know how to stop loving, how to stop dreaming about him. Everyday I feel so tired. All the bad things and bad memories in the past came rushing in into my mind and it stops me from thinking normally. When will this condition end? 

Should I stop seeing him? 

I keep on asking myself this one too but alas, no answers to it as well. I love him and he actually stays. he still there eventhough his heart is no longer there. sometimes  I feel okay, but when the anxiety strikes, I feel like someday this thing will hurt me back like even applying more damage to me if I keep him around. God I don't know what should I do anymore. 

Why do we meet in the first place ?

why do we have a special relationship after that? 

why do you even leave me...? 

Should I go with the flow? 

I don't know...